In Search of How to Change my Life’s Direction

SO I’m listening to various motivational / inspirational speeches, watching the videos, reading books, and one thing they have in common is getting up earlier. Ok, I’m fine with that, it makes sense. But at 51 years old, my body and/or mind don’t operate effectively when I’m sleep deprived. So I have to wonder if this is something that can be done by guys my age. How much sleep does Will Smith, Tony Robbins, Dwayne Johnson, Benjamin Hardy, Richard Branson, etc get? If it is less than 8 hours per night, how do they do it? How do they not just crash and burn? Is it because they aren’t spending the vast majority of their day doing a job that is entirely devoid of satisfaction?

It isn’t nutrition because I am game on in that department. (Oh that reminds me, I need to post my last labs.) Do they just get better sleep than me? Is it because they have quality down time when they are awake? WTH?

There is a price you pay for constantly seeking comfort. Stop avoiding discomfort. I guess they key/trick is to cycle it. Do the lack of sleep and exhaustion and fatigue, but have a reprieve already scheduled in before you start. I can do anything for a time, as long as I know there is an end to the misery. Think about climbing Brush Heap Mount, it was brutal but I could do it because I knew the top was up there somewhere and we would stop when we got there. It wasn’t a moving target, it was where it was period.

“Live your life like you’re the hero of your own movie. In good movies the hero must always overcome hardship. Imagine your movie is starting right now, and you are at the part of the movie where you are a shitbag loser. This is the point where you begin fighting, begin breaking out and becoming the hero, the champion, whatever. Imagine a documentary crew following you around documenting the struggle you go through in order to rise up. If you were watching this movie, and the hero was exactly where you are right now, sitting in this f*ing cube at this f*ing desk with his brain shutting down, bored and ungratified, what would he do? Write out his part, what would he do?

11/13/2018 Tuesday

So how does one go about figuring out what you want to do if all you really know is that you hate what you are currently doing? How do you know if it is what you do or just your current job that you hate? In other words, would I be more content doing this if it were somewhere else, if the expectations were more realistic? My real issue isn’t the insane expectations, it’s that as more and more is being dumped in my lap, the compensation isn’t reflecting that. My workload has increased by 25% in the last 2 months, and nobody gets more than a 2% raise at this company (assuming I’m even here for it). The advice to “be the hardest worker in the room, don’t let anyone outwork you” assumes there will be some kind of benefit or payoff. All it gets you here is more work.

“In this life of ours, exhausted and disallusioned by the drip-drip-drip of everyday existence, Outlaws become folk heroes as established social structures lose the trust of the people who live inside them.”

Have a Great Thanksgiving!

Believe it or not, I actually do realize all the many things I have to be thankfull for. I just have this one area of my life that is utterly unfulfilling. But hey, it pays the bills (for now).


Cubicle Prisoner Training Week of 11/19/2018

Don’t let your incarceration stop you from improving your health. It is critical to pursue the best health you can in any given circumstances. The two biggest treats to our future financial survival are taxes and the cost of healthcare. Once you hit 50 it seems a lot more real than it does when you are not 50. Even at 45 it seemed like I had plenty of time to get back in shape. Well I have discovered that you don’t have plenty of time, and on top of that, you can’t get it back. Not really. You can get some of it back, but for the most part after say 30 or 35 you are really working to just not lose it, to just maintain what you have. Now granted, I will be in better shape and health at 55 than I was at 45, but there is some mobility and are some movements that I will never be able to do the same way again.

In addition to the mobility and fitness aspect, there is the reality question of “how much of a burden do I want to be to my kids while they are trying to navigate careers, family, and life?” How heartbreaking will it be for me to know that they have to take care of me because my mind has outlived my body’s usefulness, or my body has outlived my mind? How heartbreaking will it be for them to have to watch the man, the rock, the hero that took care of them, rescued them, provided for and loved them to the best of his capabilities deteriorate into helplessness? Not for me thanks, just take my name off that list. If that is my (and their) destiny, then it will be solely the will of God, not because of my negligence.

I have been trying to get up earlier, well I have been getting up earlier, but today I didn’t get up until 5:55.

11/19/2018 Monday

8:30 checking my blood and starting the pushup app early. 127 mg/dl, here we go

Warm up with pec deck movement x 30

Pushup app x 11, 9, 13, 9, 13; didn’t use full 2 minutes for rest, usually 1 ½ min; Left shoulder a little gimpy after set 1, medium (shoulder) width hands and elbows (about 40 degrees) from body;

8:55 – Biceps Flex x 30 seconds; tried for failure but don’t think it is possible without weight

10:30 – Neck Mobility Drills; Hip Mobility Drills;

11:20 – BCAAs

– Superman Legs only (as warmup for pushup); stretched a little afterward. I did this on the advice of Elizabeth, but she is very mainstream knowledge based; I don’t think I will stretch next time. I am trying to see if legs only gives me the same results the full superman dies. My back is really stiff and tender today.

– Pushup App x 12, 16, 11, 10, 14; after set 1 back feels a little spasm-y, I definitely won’t stretch after Supermans next time; took full 2 minute rest after set 1, 1 ½ each one after; Brings my total to 118 pushups today.

11:40 – Handstand against wall x 33 seconds; arms were shaking and starting to give out, elbows were bending. That’s freaking hard. I need to check out GMB to see how to do them properly.

– Seated Scapular Dips x 75; hands forward of hips; was challenging, coulda done more but just wimped out

– Chair Squats x 25; basically knees bent at 90°, squatting down until my butt hits the chair.

My Back is definitely distracting me.

So much truth to being in the right environments to succeed. If I weren’t surrounded by sloths I would be pushing harder, but I don’t want to call a bunch of attention to myself y breathing really heavily. It’s not just that people will hear, but the wrong people will hear. The “if you have time to take care of yourself then you need more work to do” people.

3:05 – Stairs x 8 x 2 Floors; I just did the stairs in my building rather than walk to the tower. Didn’t time myself, just kind of took it easy. I figure about 10 minutes desk to desk

I’m sitting at my desk, and man I am getting sleepy. I did go to bed at 8:30, but didn’t get to real sleep until around10:00-10:30. Still glad I did it though, there is a sense of pride and a feeling of accomplishment. I do feel like I seized the day.

11/20/2018 Tuesday

7:50 – warmup – chair twists, arm circles

– Pushup App x 14, 18, 12, 12 16; Close Hands and Elbows. 1 ½ minute rest; this one got kind of tough, I was surprised that I didn’t hit failure on my last set of 16.

I think I need to re-clarify hand positions. Close is directly below shoulder, thumbs are actually below pecs, it’s my index and middle fingers that are below my front delts. Medium hands is when my thumbs are below my front delts and none of my fingers are, except on medium elbows. Then my index fingers would be as well. Close elbows means my elbows run right alongside my body, wider elbows means they are flared out almost 90° from my body.

8:13 – What the Hell, why not! 10 minute rest and then Pushups x 30; close hands and elbows, reached failure at top of #30. I am roasting in here now. I figured it’s still early and no one is here to judge me so why not go for it? So fa today I’ve done 102 pushups.

I Wish I had taken some BCAAs first! Oh well, I’ll take a little now and put some protein in my coffee. I should also note that I took one 125mg of armodafinil today before leaving the house. I don’t feel any energy boost, I just don’t feel as tired. Which is nice since I got up at 4:45 this morning.

10:30 – Neck and Hip Mobility Drills. These are basically just ROM Movement patterns. Motion is Lotion.


10:50 – Pushups x 35; narrow hands and elbows; almost failure maybe 1 or 2 more; panting like a dog in heat!

Thought about doing the app again, but am limited on time as I have a phone interview at 11:15

– Seated Scapular Dips x 30; hands behind hips; pretty tiring but not failure

1:04 – Standing bent Over Calf Stretch x 1 minute; felt it in the backs of knees too. Felt so good.

Freaking new project I was bitching about on Thursday. “it should only take one full day…” Yeah, it looked like that was possible, because it isn’t complicated – it’s as mundane and mind numbing as anything I freaking do. Just copy and paste, copy and paste. But it is taking way longer than expected. I have to create a workbook for 45 states and put each one in its own folder, then copy the list of invoices for that state – separated by month – for three years into each State’s workbook and total by month to compare to the summary info. This information is contained in two different spreadsheets per monthly workbook.

What this means is open up the Michigan workbook that I created, open up the Jan 2016 sales data workbook, find the lines that contain Michigan’s info, then copy it to the 2016 tab in the Michigan workbook and total it for the month. Then Copy the summary information to the Summary tab of the Michigan workbook. Close the January workbook and open the Feb 2016 workbook and do the same. Repeat this procedure for every month in 2016, 2017, and 2018. Then do it all over again for Minnesota, then Texas, then Oklahoma, California, and so on, and so on, and so on… 45 state workbooks, 34 monthly workbooks each, yeah it should take about a day.

3:30 – Elevated Calf Raise x 20, single leg; did warmup with both feet x 20; toes pointed straight forward to focus on inner calf.

Have a Great Day!


Back to Training Week of 11/12/2018

Goal: 6 pounds of muscle by Oct 2019

Can’t seem to remember to weigh myself on Monday Morning

I got our next bucket list hike, the Rim to Rim! There is a girl at church that is my age and she started doing it every year about 3 years ago. She goes with an organization that does it so you have to meet certain training requirements before they’ll let you go with them. She usually goes in the fall, but this year she wants to do it in the spring. She said she’ll start training in a couple of weeks.

11/12/2018 Monday

10:45 – Walking the stairs 4 x 8.5 floors, +2 for cooldown. First set of stairs I kind of crashed at 7.5 floors. I got that weird super-rapid heartbeat thing that makes me think I might pass out. I had to lean on the rails until it passed, probably 45 seconds. My time on that set was 3:19.41. I wasn’t going for speed, I did want to shoot for 5 sets though. After that I backed off a little, the remaining sets were 2:45.98, 2:58.97, 2:38.13. At least I can count it as 21 minutes of cardio.

Neck Mobility Drills

11:40 – Seated Scapular Dips x 50, very strict form, scapula squeezed together, maximum ROM up to rep 44, then as much ROM as I could manage with strict form

11/13/2018 Tuesday

7:55 – Walking Lunges on the way to get coffee at the café. Didn’t do full ROM, and yes someone saw me and thought I was weird I’m sure. Or maybe they just thought I was committed.

Boss just dumped another freaking project on my desk. Another Business License to set up. I currently have to start creating 25 returns for the shit storm that I’m p[probably going to get fired over, but let me get everything set up so
my replacement is good to go. Oh, and no need to give me any credit for doing everything I was supposed to do before and during this busllshit fiasco.

11:00 – Plank x 1 min; did this on my elbows rather than hands, trying to figure out which is more difficult. I did notice that the farther forward my elbows are the more difficult it becomes

Side Plank x 40 sec per side; also did this one on my elbows. It’s interesting that with left elbow down (did this side first) my right side (problem area back pain) hurts, UT not so with right elbow down.
Also, after doing the right elbow down side my back didn’t hurt anymore.

Biceps Flex x 34; coworker is interrupting with questions

Biceps Flex x 30 seconds; feel like I got deeper contraction with this anyway

Seated Dips x 25; short ROM

Toe Touch x 25; rounding back

I am noticing that it is mental fatigue, not physical fatigue that is holding me back. Just sitting and staring at the computer all day is robbing me of my motivation. Listening to my boss bitch about everything because we are so overworked
is stressing me out and exhausting me too. I mean, it suck for all of us. Quit being shitty to us, we are just as stressed out as you are. It feels like she is blaming us. Everything has to be perfect now or there is a big problem. Hey man, we have too
much to handle, that leads to mistakes.

12:15 – Stretch Gluteus medius x 1.5 min left, 2.5 min right

11/14/2018 Wednesday

Woke up at 5:30 this morning, which is actually a good thing. I was able to get my head right, pray, meditate, read, and think about my goals. Biceps are actually a little stiff/tender after yesterday.

7:50 Pushups 2 x 20; 30 second rest between sets; Narrow hands; Maximum ROM; 1st set medium wide elbows, 2nd set close to body; 2nd set was nearing failure, 25 would have been max.

10:05 – Pushups x 20; Narrow hands; Maximum ROM; Elbows Close

I’m going for 100 overall today. Won’t build much muscle I guess since I am having trouble pushing to failure (probably the fatigue from getting up early and the stress of the job), but it will increase my functional fitness. On a side
note, just got out of an hour long meeting with my boss about our “action plan” for dealing with the cluster f that is going on and will probably cost us our (my) jobs. I’m so excited to work even more with how bleak the outcome looks. WooHoo!!

10:30 – Triceps Iso-Flex x 30 seconds

Neck Mobility Drills

10:45 – Pushups x 30; medium hands and elbows; Max ROM; still not failure but got pretty close, sucking wind big time.

Just took a ½ serving (3.5grams?) of Scivation Xtend BCAAs. I know, I know, take them before training, but I forget.

11:05 – Triceps Iso-Flex x 30 seconds

Standing Bent over Hamstring Stretch

I will not succumb to old age quietly! I downloaded the Zen Challenge 100 Pushups app that to start using on my Pushup Wednesdays. We’ll see how it works.

11:35 – Pushup App 1 x 10, 7, 12, 9, 9; All narrow hands and elbow. I started with week 3Day 1. It was tougher than I thought, probably because I’ve already done 90 pushups today. I guess those were my 5 minute warmup.
It looks like the app has you do 5 sets with a 2 minute rest in between each.

I went ahead and downloaded the Zen Challenge 200 Squat app too. I’ll give that a go as well, why not bring back the Murph Wednesday, right?

11:45 – Squat app x 3, 4, 4, 3, 5 with 1 min rest in between. Hip width stance (narrow) all the way down like I was going to do a flat footed (third world) squat. I did alternating butt kickers during the first two rest
periods (24 & 20 respectively). Focused on activating glutes. I better check my blood now. 121mg/dl

12:15 – Squat app x 5, 5, 3, 5, 5 with 1 min rest; shoulder width stance;

12:35 – Squat app x 5, 6, 5, 5, 7 with 1 min rest, narrow; standing hamstring curls x 10/side during each rest period. Didn’t use all the time on last 2 rest periods

Seated Scapular Dips x 50; coulda done more but I am roasting.

Wall Handstand x 15 seconds; tried to do a pushup but got about 2 inches of movement and realized I was probably going to hurt myself. I was shaking at the end of 15 seconds. Maybe hands were too close

1 min rest

Wall Handstand x 10 seconds; I managed 2 almost half pushups, then just held it static for 10. My elbows were bent so I tried to straighten them and fell at the 10 second mark. My hands were definitely
too close together the first time, and I didn’t point my fingers straight forward this times either.

I need some lunch: Kielbasa and zucchini.

11/15/2018 Thursday

Surprisingly my quads are actually the tiniest bit tender after yesterday, even though I don’t feel like I really pushed myself.

8:55 – Seated Scapular Dips x 50; this time I rounded forward rather that squeezing my scapula together. Really felt it in my front delts.

I just got another Mother F*ing project dropped in my lap that is due on Dec 1st!!!! Basically I guess they are going to work me as hard as humanly possible before they f themselves by giving me the axe.

1:50 – Side Plank Dips 2 x 5

Up/Down Dog x 5

Superman x 10

Superman Legs only x 10; These were done one after the other with no rest. Back has been sore since I woke up this morning. Doing the side plank dip left side down was excruciating, maybe I should do the
superman first next time. Don’t know why they seem to help, but they do.

Up Do Pushups x 50; wide hands and elbows. Left shoulder a bit unhappy. Before standing I racked back into a Supplication pose stretch for my front delts and pecs. They feel pretty good right now actually.
I want to do something because in 15 minutes we are leaving for a team building event with the entire tax department. Free grub, so I want to be pumped for it.

11/16/2018 Friday

10:30 – Scapula Squeeze to Isometric Chest Squeeze x 30; I have no idea what to call this, it’s just a movement pattern more than anything, try to touch my elbows together behind my back and then touch them together in front
of my chest.

3:45 – The Departmental Thanksgiving spread was today from 1:30-012:30, so I loaded up on food, drove my blood sugar through the roof, and came back to the desk and just worked on the project I mentioned yesterday.
I have been too full (and busy) to worry about exercise. I still haven’t even started my journal entries which are due Monday. I am going to check my blood and do some knee pushups. 160mg/dl, not terrible, it’s finally coming down. An hour ago it was 295,
2 hours ago it was 296, 3 ½ hours ago it was 156. Geez to think that most people eat like this every single day, all day. No wonder everybody is obese. It’s not just the calories, but look at what the amount I ate did to my blood sugar. Imagine what the
average person is doing to themselves. Sure their blood sugar never gets that high because there body is compensating by producing its own insulin, but how much insulin is their body being flooded with constantly?

Pushup app x 10, 8, 12, 8, 12; never did full 2 in rest; max rom

Have a Great Day!

Trying To Get Back Into the Swing of Things

Not sleeping well, dreamt last night that I overslept for an interview. My VP was there and she was pissed, it was supposed to be some kind of conference call that combined an interview with me trying to explain what went wrong and why it wasn’t my fault. We were rushing around, I still had to shower, I left my clothes at the hotel and the clothes I was wearing were gone. Then I found some pajama pants but that wasn’t going to be acceptable… Just a feeling of desperation. Probably stemming from the fact that things have gotten worse; I am probably going to lose my job over this. It will be a miracle if I am employed in January

11/05/2018 Monday

9:25 – Seated Scapular Dips x 50

1:30 – Flat foot squat x 1 min; toes straight ahead, knees hip width, knees in line with feet

Stand straight up

Flat Foot Squat x 1 min; toes slightly out, feet slightly wider, knees flared out

Up Dog off of desk x 45 sec

2:25 – Neck Mobility Drills

Torso Mobility Drills

Bent Over Rear Leg Lifts 2×15/side; don’t arch back; pull legs straight back, don’t let them veer to the side.


2:30 – Rotating side planks with lat pull x 20/side;

This is basically starting in the pushup position and then rotating to the side up onto one arm while pulling the opposite elbow up in a lat pull motion.

Neck Mobility

I have so much on my mind, and work is so busy, that I have just been in a funk. I stayed up last night watching the Monday night game and I have been trying to discipline myself to get up earlier in order to do what it is going to take to succeed in the storm I am facing, so I am super tired On top of that it has been cloudy and rainy so much over the last few months it’s hard to get motivated. I need the sunshine, I am a child of light.

I didn’t think I’d be able to motivate myself to do anything training-wise today, but I managed to dig down deep and tell myself to just do something! It doesn’t have to be noteworthy or record breaking, but damn, am I committed to being fit after 50 or not? Just sitting in this chair slaving away isn’t anything I can count on. My health is paramount whether I’m employed (or appreciated) or not. Plus Nutritional health and fitness is a passion. I would really love to be able to help others do this someday, but I need to walk the walk and have results to show it is possible. Am I going to doom myself to being one of the 99% that aren’t willing to do what it takes? As Will Smith said (and I’m paraphrasing), with everything going on, am I really going to kick myself in the balls??

11/07/2018 Wednesday

One thing I need to remember is that even on an extremely off day I can still do something, like yesterday. Just doing some neck and hip mobility drills matters. I also need to remember that I can just do some flexing. That is a million times better than nothing. It keeps the muscle tissue active and does help get the blood moving at least a little.

I am taking it easier today because I can feel in my throat that I’m starting to come down with something. Maybe that’s been my problem all week.

10:00 Stairs 2 x 2 stories;

11:00 biceps Flex 2 x 10

Triceps flex 1 x 15

Neck Mobility

1:20 – Biceps Flex x 25

Triceps Flex x 25

Really feeling under the weather. Had homemade soup for lunch with some pepper mash in it, and some tea. I have taken a zicam and 2000 mg vitamin C so far.

4:00 – Stairs 3 x 2 floors

11/09/2018 Friday

Did pretty much nothing but slave away yesterday. Just a guiling f*ing day! I did do the stairs once, 8 floors up and down, plus neck mobility.

Today I Plan to do more. I have been waking up around 5:45 to let the puppy out and when I come back to bed I am putting a couple of pillows in front of me while sitting criss-cross apple sauce (I know!) and laying my head on them for a good 20 minutes or so for some lower back stretch. Then I lay flat with a pillow under my knees and fall back asleep for about 20-30 minutes. I hope this is helping with my flexibility, I think it is.

I am about over this damn broken middle finger, it is driving me crazy. I’m going to start pushing myself on my cubicle prison workouts despite this limitation. I can’t let myself fall apart so I can be a greater contributor to big pharma’s coffers. I refuse to become “institutionalized”.

11:45 Finally getting around to it.

Shoulder Circles x 50 front and back

Rear rhomboid Squeeze x 25; this time instead of pressing my elbows into the sides of my chair back I tried to touch my elbows to each other behind my back; didn’t feel it in my rear delts at all.

12:40 – Knee Pushups x 32; narrow hands and elbows; shoulders fatiguing big time, barely even felt it in my chest. It’s like I haven’t done pushups in 10 years. Man, it’s insane how quickly you lose your fitness with any kind of setback or time off once you are over 50.

Have a Great Day!



Every time I hear about how we need an accountability partner, or that we need to find our Jonathon to hold us accountable, I feel more exhausted than I already am.

It implies that, even though we can never do enough, we should always be striving for more. I want to be done with striving. That may be cool for all the type A’s out there, but I am not a type A. Our society holds the type A personalities in higher esteem than others, but not all societies do. We are missing it. If our message to the unsaved is “come and be as exhausted as we are”, how many unbelievers are going to be willing to give salvation a chance? Didn’t Jesus say “My yolk is light”? Isn’t that the message we should be sending?

I want to find a Jonathon so I can have a brother in arms that I can lean on, and who can lean on me because we are bleeding, shell shocked and overwhelmed by the assault we are under in this war. I want someone who can put down some suppressing fire while I take a minute to catch my breath and reload, not someone to keep pushing me harder and harder. I don’t want someone to hold me accountable, if I am a true Christian the Holy Spirit can do that, I want someone to empathize with me. I want a safe place in which to work through my problems. An accountability partner does not sound the same as loving friend, brother, compadre, or bro.

We are under the (false?) impression that primarily God wants to be worshipped by us, but I propose that foremost He wants to be loved by us. He could have achieved worship without giving us free will. Worship can be coerced, but love cannot be. Not true love.