Still Not Sure Why

01/0/2019 Thursday

One thing I know for sure is, I want to exercise. I want to be healthy, I want to be in shape. I am sitting here completely overwhelmed with the amount of work that needs to be done this month, particularly the next 14 days, and I am struggling to justify doing any training. I am resentful. I have reached a point where there are some days that a little 3 minute blip isn’t going to be enough. I have made good progress, I feel stronger, and I can feel my muscles starting to grow. I can also feel that I need to do more warmup in order to do the push I need to keep progressing. That’s the thing, if I just wanted to stay fit and mobile, then I could do a little something throughout the day, which was the original intent. But I want more! I may not know why, but dang I want to push myself. I want to walk the stairs because I’ll be backpacking in Oklahoma the last weekend of this month, and I want to be better prepared than I have been on previous excursions. I want to get to the point that I can realistically do the Rim to Rim. I want to continue feeling strong like I do right now, or even stronger.

Maybe I just want to train so badly right now because I hate what I do? I mean, I am looking at a potentially insurmountable mountain of work. And there is no reward for putting all of the overtime it is going to take to get it accomplished. Hell, I still may not even have a job next month, forget about being recognized for the effort. Or compensated for sacrificing my home life for it.

No, I don’t think it’s that. I’ve had some good recovery downtime and I can feel it in my muscles that they will be growing soon. They are tight, and get the pumped effect with minimal effort. It feels so good to be there. So why not just do the prison cube maintenance during the day and then get in intense workouts when I’m at home? Because the workload takes everything out of me both mentally and physically. I don’t even have the mental resolve to do my dinner dishes after work. I just want to go to bed after dinner. Plus I’m required to spend so much of my day here, there isn’t enough actual time away from prison to do it. Also, now that I am 52, I don’t have the same energy I had at 30 (shocker right?). So trying to get in better shape while trying to have a life working all these hours just isn’t feasible, I have to sacrifice something. My 30 year old coworker has no problem working late every night and then making time for his hobbies in his off time. He requires less sleep, rest and recovery than I do. I don’t want to sacrifice something just so work can get even more of me than it currently gets. It already gets too much, and now it is demanding even more. No, just no.

OK, end rant. I am not a victim here, I need to start practicing my internal locus of control. What is the solution? Spread it out. Go ahead and continue with the just move stuff throughout the day, but at some point (maybe when the warden goes to get lunch) do something hardcore. Instead of the Pushup app just do pushups to failure, maybe do it twice with a 1 minute rest. Then the rest of the day just drop and do a quick 10. Triceps are easy, updog triceps extensions are very challenging so they don’t take long to reach failure. So really the real challenge are the Pushup and Squat apps, and stair training. I can fry my shoulders in 5 minutes doing handstand pushups, I can do squats to failure. I just need to have one muscle group that is the target, make sure I hit that one with max intensity once or twice, then supplement with cubicle movements, plus add variety for the other groups like hamstrings, glutes, calves, or whatever that aren’t the target focus over the course of the entire day. Not ideal, but workable. Not the best tasting lemonade, but it beats the hell out of straight lemons.

Have a Great Day!

Lubimûr

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